If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
