I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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