I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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