Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Randomize
