My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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