From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
