Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
