I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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