I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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