I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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