Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
