I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
