How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
