Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
