if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
