Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
