i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
