At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
