So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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