If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
