Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
