I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
