I wish my penis had an off switch
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
