It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
