I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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