I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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