had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
