He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
