The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
