you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Success! We fucked roommates!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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