found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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