my soul wont recognize me after tonight
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
