My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Even my vagina gasped.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
