There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
