I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
