i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
