I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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