things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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