What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
