I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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