Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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