bring money and cleavage
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
