Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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