I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
