why didn't you poke me back
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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