god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
