I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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