im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
