My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
