The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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