I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Randomize
