I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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