Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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