Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
