Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
