you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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